Dear Diary
by Avrila
Summary: She wasn't blinded by how dark the night was anymore. She could finally see the stars, the moon and most of all, she was able to see hope where she least thought she would find it.


Dear Diary,

This is the very first time I'm actually writing something here. But not my first try. Every time I tried to explore my heart's spirit, I always ended up going over my past mistakes, going over all the fuck-ups, the I-should've-said/done-that-instead… I never truly go through with it. I'm scared of what might happen if I do. Let's see what happens this time.

I've always had a loving family, lots of encouraging friends (I have Ino to thank for that- for the most part, anyway), truly amazing people who believed in me even when I couldn't. I've had people I didn't even deserve in my life, yet…

I was all alone. Well, _felt_ all alone.

I couldn't name something more bitter than feeling as such, when you're surrounded by people. Feeling solitude in a sea of people who love and encourage you, people who say "You've got this, Sakura!", "Great job, Sakura!" … People who you just cannot disappoint. Only when you do.

You see, my best has _never_ been good enough. I'm not sure it ever will be and I'm still struggling with that thought. One thing I'm extremely good at though, is crying. And I hate myself for it. A true shinobi shouldn't behave like I do. A true shinobi endures until the bent breaks, until the bridges do burn down. But I… I always cry and rely on the others around me. Especially Naruto. Oh right, I forgot that you don't know who Naruto is, my bad. For a brief description, he's one of the biggest idiots out there, one of the idiots who still see me worthwhile. He's even a bigger one for falling for me, even after I went breaking down to him, begging to bring back the boy I couldn't stop from leaving, the boy _I_ love. The boy who left _me_. So to say the least, he's my hero. And I'm grateful that he puts up with me, I'm grateful for everything.

Of course, the idiot will never find this shit out, that's why I'm going to find a real good spot for hiding things. I can't bring myself to say this to him, not just yet. So because I've let people down, including Naruto (although he'd never admit it), including myself, I _cannot_ allow myself the luxury of telling him so. But one day, I will.

One day, when he would be the one watching me save him and the people he dearly loves, one day when I'll become strong enough, brave enough to have no second thoughts, one day when I'd be the one making an ever so hopeful promise to him. One day, when I will be good enough, I'll tell him. I'll tell all of them. I'll tell Ino (my bitch best friend) how much she means to me, how much I love her. I'll tell Lee how much of an impact his dedication and hard work had on my life, deciding to save me when he would've been better off without the trouble… I'll tell everyone. Myself included. Maybe for once, I won't be a disappointment, _useless._

So that's why for a while now, I've begun studying the art of medicine and physical encounter under the ever so skilled, ever so beautiful Lady Tsunade, one of the three legendary Sannins. I've never felt so challenged in my entire life, but I wouldn't change anything. Maybe like this, I can become someone who people can rely on, who people can run to- just like I've always run to them.

For someone who's had trouble expressing their feelings- even to oneself, this seems quite alright for now. Liberating somehow, as if all these burdens can just melt off my shoulders and I can slowly start to hold my head high again, _almost._

I'll jump into writing what I ate and shit a normal teenager is supposed to write in their diary after this really deep part here, prooomise.

So… the deep part. The thing is, deep parts are never happy parts, but I guess that makes them deep, yeah?

Well, for the longest time, ever since I was awfully young actually, I've had the biggest crush on this one boy in the Academy. As a matter of fact, I wasn't the only one. He was quite something, you know? He was mysterious, quiet and just the best at everything (besides the quizzes, I've always had the best scores in those, might be because of my big forehead, might not be, we shall never know). Like I said, he was just… perfect really. Nothing knew much about him at the time and now that I think about it, nobody ever bothered to try and find out either. Everyone just sort of admired him from afar, drooling over how beautiful and perfect he was. Him? Oh well he seemed untouched by all of it, really. He never cared about those sorts of things- popularity, his fangirls (yes, yes fangirls, lots of fangirls). He never cared about petty things like that… Things I'm ashamed to say I did care about for a while.

Until that day.

The day of our Ninja Squad Formations. Three-man squads sorted out by the teachers in order to create balance, team work and in the future, respectable and badass shinobi.

I ended up in the same team as Naruto and S- the boy. Let's just call him that for now, 'kay?

And on that day, I was excited for all the wrong reasons. I was so happy that I beat Ino to being in the same team as the hottest guy in the village, I've always wanted to prove her that I'm great, even better without her always being on my back. Ahh… I was so silly. Actually, if it weren't for Ino, I don't know to this day if I would even end up graduating as a ninja, or just quitting and hating myself forever. But yeah, I was happy I got to spend time with someone important and I was looking for all the different ways to make myself seem as more than I was at the time. I also thought that Naruto being in the same team would get in the way of my so called "plans" to impress the other guy and make _him_ be interested in me.

Actually, the b- ah fuck it. _Sasuke_ was the one to tell me off that very same day. I was just being a bitch, pretending to know so much when I didn't, pretending to understand something that was beyond even trying to understand. I was just trying to sound cool and I actually thought it might work, even if I really wasn't that way on the inside. When it was myself and I, I loved to read. About all kinds of things, I wasn't an actual pain in the ass, I was quite shy and insecure, y'know? I wasn't vain or someone who you'd run out of topics to talk about, I just thought it's not what cool guys would like. That me being who I was, wasn't going to help at all- but make it even worse. Because cool guys would want cool girls and I wasn't ever cool. I was just Sakura. And _just_ Sakura was never enough.

"Annoying."

Although his words deeply hurt me, I'm grateful for them because if it wasn't for that day, if it wasn't for that cold shower and the harsh reality wake-up call I desperately needed but never admitted it, I don't know where I would be right now.

Anyway, that's when I started to really fall in love with Uchiha Sasuke. Not because of how cool he was, of how good he was at literally anything, but because of _who_ he was as a person. And that made me change too. We've all got pretty close, not only because of the long missions we would be assigned to carry out together, but because we all started to be ourseleves. It truly felt like home. Funny, right? We'd never actually stay in one place more than a few days, but you know… one doesn't need a specific thing or place to have as a home. At least for me, my home was Sasuke Uchiha, Uzumaki Naruto and Kakashi-sensei (I feel weird saying his last name).

As time passed by, we all overcame many challenges and I began to fall more and more in love with Sasuke, I began to see him for who he was and what he was enduring. I still don't know to this day though, why I've never tried to talk to him about his clan, his family… his Brother. I should have done so. Well actually, there were a lot of things I should have done, but failed to do.

So after the Chunning Exams, after I had cut my hair and did the right fucking thing for once, after the Third Hokage was killed, things really started to shake up between Naruto and Sasuke. Things I wasn't able to understand. I thought I was looking out for them, when I was just oblivious to the fact that much graver things were happening. I failed to see that a pain so deep couldn't simply be healed or forgotten like it had never happened. I failed to understand that every smile must have felt like a cut for Sasuke, just how it feels for me now. And because I didn't understand things properly, because I _refused_ to think our time and missions and my feelings weren't enough, I couldn't stop the walls from crushing down.

I couldn't stop Sasuke from leaving the damn village. All I did was cry. I told him I loved him from the bottom of my heart, I told him how much his presence in my life affected me thinking so selfishly that my feelings towards him could have the potential to shadow his grief. I told him not to go. I told him to take me with him. I know it sounds crazy but I meant every single word. And even if in the end all I did was cry and beg and then cry more to Naruto the next morning, I'm happy I told him how I felt about him. Because love is something that changes people and he changed me, just like I am going to continue to change the people around me.

And even if I wasn't enough for him- or anyone, and maybe still am not, one day I know I will be. Or die trying. I won't let down Naruto again, I'll be the one giving him a hand. I won't scream my feelings between bitter tears and heartache. Once we'll bring Sasuke back home, I'll make sure to properly tell him just how much I love him.

That's why, the pain I feel now is going to make me stronger. And I'll grow to be as strong as I need to be, for them.

Kakashi-sensei once asked us what our dreams are, of course me being the silly little child, all I thought about were superficial things.

I now know that _they_ are my dream.

And like Naruto always says, I'll never give it up because… Because that's my ninja way.

That would be all for now… I think for once, I won't rip the pages. I want my future children to read this one day and know that mistakes are what forge you into who you are, regardless. I know I'm not perfect. I'm not trying to be anymore. I'll just be me. And even if Sakura Haruno isn't enough for anyone right now, I know that one day I sure as hell will be.

-Sakura H.

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 **NOTE:**

Tell me what you think, yes? :) Thanks for reading.


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